I have a confession to make – I have a jaded perspective on relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I have no qualms with relationships and for those desiring to be in one. Admittedly, marriage was something I desired for most of my young adult life. I was once that kid whose one mission in life was to find a wife. Nothing else in the world mattered more to me than that; however, my entire dating life can be summed up in one sound bit – “Mission failed. We’ll get ’em next time.”
Imagine sending a text to a person you like only to have them ignore it for hours at a time and sometimes for days. When you finally give up hope and stop checking your phone, when you forget that you texted that person and don’t remember what your text even said, that’s when the reply comes:
The funny thing is while you were waiting for their reply, you were checking their social media accounts to see if they were ok or alive for that matter. Much to your chagrin, you saw them dropping likes on Facebook and posting stories on Instagram. So when their text finally arrives, a part of you wants to call them out but crossing such a line would permanently snuff out your imaginary spark that you desperately hope will turn into a blazing inferno. Unfortunately, you find yourself at a crossroads where a decision must be made: option one, keep trying; or option two, speed up the fizzle. Deep down inside, you know neither option will result in a relationship with this person but you figure it wouldn’t hurt to prolong the inevitable. After typing and deleting thirty different messages before pressing send, you decide to approach it as a friendship but you keep option one in your back pocket just in case things change.
This little story perfectly describes how most of my dating experiences have gone in the last five years. One time I was “talking” to a woman who would go a full week before replying back to my texts. I couldn’t tell if she was amish or was born in the wrong century! All jokes aside, dating nowadays is TOUGH. Like I said before, I tend to lack enthusiasm when it comes to relationships and romance. Most people would assume that my lousy dating experiences is the reason why. I used to blame it on my lack of success in the dating department but the truth is they had little to do with it. To be frank, I once viewed my singleness as a plague and something to get rid of; but as a 32 year old man, my view on singleness is drastically different. Here are four things that I have learned about singleness that has shaped my new outlook on relationships.
1. Singleness is not a disease
The pursuit of relationships and marriage has shaped the way singleness is perceived. For a lot of people, settling down and starting a family is the pinnacle of a life well-lived; if not the greatest goal, it certainly makes the short list of things to accomplish in a lifetime. Because of this approach, being single is often viewed as a disease in which the only cure for it is marriage. Such a mindset is completely backwards from what scripture teaches. In fact, scripture encourages singleness over marriage!
“But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am.” 1 Corinthians 7:8 NKJV
2. Singleness is a blessing
Time spent in the season of singleness is often viewed as time wasted; however, singleness is the most valuable time any person will ever have. Singleness is your greatest opportunity to get one-on-one time with God. If you’re single, you have uninterrupted and unlimited access to God. It’s your best chance to develop a personal relationship with your Creator without the distractions that come with marriage and a family. Although it’s possible to develop a relationship with God at any stage in life, it’s much easier to develop a love for God when the distractions are at a minimum. Always remember that bringing another person into your relationship with God is much easier than bringing God into your relationship with another person. Don’t let your window of opportunity pass you by. Get to know God and let Him mold you into the man or woman of God He desires you to be while the timing is right for it!
“But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord – how he may please the Lord. But he who is married cares about the things of the world – how he may please his wife. There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world – how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction.” 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 NKJV
3. Singleness is God’s favor
Ever been to a store and see a kid beg their mom or dad for candy at the checkout? The parent will usually say, “put it back.” More likely than not, the kid will start throwing a tantrum and making a scene. The parent is now in a difficult position and is forced to choose between two courses of action; remain resolute and discipline the child or give into the hissy fit to deescalate the situation. Sadly, most parents go with option two. When it comes to marriage though, singles can sometimes act like spoiled kids who throw tantrums when they don’t get what they want. “God, why am I still single? It’s not fair that my friends are in relationships and I’m not!” But like a good parent, God withholds for two reasons; either what we want isn’t good for us or we’re not ready for it. But be careful. Beg enough and God may choose option two to teach you a difficult lesson! (see 1 Samuel 8). When God says “no”, it’s truly for your best interest even though it makes little sense to you at the moment!
4. God is not to blame
Let’s be honest here, if you’re still single and you’re growing impatient, YOU are the reason you haven’t found your spouse. What I mean is, if you have an insatiable desire to be married but you’re still single, there’s a good chance God might be testing you. God sometimes asks us to give up the thing we desire the most until we’ve proven our faith and love for Him. God asked Abraham to give up his only son (Genesis 22:1-19) and Jesus asked the rich young ruler to give away his possessions (Luke 18:18-23). The desire itself could be the very thing that is keeping you from obtaining the thing you want most. Recalibrate your desires and focus on what matters most. Pursue God and let HIM become your greatest desire!
Back to my original confession, the real reason I have a jaded perspective on relationships is because I now know the truth about singleness and I am content in it. Reflecting on this past decade of my life, I can truly say that I am grateful for my season of singleness. I no longer see it as a curse but as God’s favor upon my life. Had God given me what I wanted when I was younger and more immature, I’d probably be stuck in a ball-and-chain marriage and quite miserable to say the least. I see my prolonged season of singleness as God giving me more time to get to know Him better and to shape me into the image of His Son. Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I had grabbed hold of this truth a lot sooner in my life. Maybe my life would be different but I’m convinced it’s better to learn the lesson no matter how long it takes than to not learn anything at all. I encourage my fellow singles to embrace your singleness. Your best days aren’t ahead of you; your best days are right now! Resist the Cuffing Season blues and remember that your singleness really isn’t as bad as you think.
Joshua Hawk 