The sound of wedding bells were heard today as one of my good buddies said his “I do’s.” It was a lovely ceremony and I couldn’t have been happier for him and his new bride. During the reception, I was asked multiple times, “When are you getting married, Josh?” I gave an optimistic reply but in the midst of all the festivities, I couldn’t help but ponder on my life. 12 years ago if you would have asked me where I saw myself at 30, I would’ve said I would have a career in the medical field, living in a large house in the suburbs, and married with 2.2 kids. There’s something ambitious about any 18 year old’s dream yet ironically hilarious in hindsight. Very little did 18 year old version of me knew that life rarely goes according to plan.
As I write this, I am less than two months away from my 31st birthday. I am not a Surgeon but a Network Engineer. If you’ve ever seen the British comedy, The IT Crowd, I’m essentially Chris O’Dowd’s character, Roy Trenneman. I literally work in a cold basement and often get forgotten about until a computer crashes or the internet breaks. And when people talk to me, it’s to complain about minor computer and printer issues. I do not own a big house but I live in a one bedroom apartment which I rent each month. And lastly I am not married and do not have any children. Thinking today about how differently my life has turned out really was a sobering moment but being at my friend’s wedding made me think a great deal about marriage.
Marriage was something I desired for most of my adult life. I have seen many of my friends married off and have children before they were 25. I have often been the proverbial third-wheel in many hangouts which only intensified my desire to be cuffed. Twice a year I got to see my married friends with children get the special treatment while I enviously watched from a distance and hoped one day I would join this exclusive club. I constantly questioned God’s timing and wanted people to feel sorry for me. To be honest, the 18 year old and even the 25 year old version of me would have sulked at my friend’s wedding today; however, I was content!
“But godliness with contentment is great gain.” 1 Timothy 6:6 NIV.
I believe the reason why I am content today is because my understanding of singleness and marriage has drastically changed in recent years. In the past, my desire to be married was largely motivated on selfishness and lust. I wanted the beautiful girl and the benefits of companionship but I never fully grasped the seriousness of marriage until now. Marriage isn’t about finding someone to fill the void of loneliness in your life and it certainly isn’t about the intimacy or having someone to watch Netflix with. Those are in fact benefits of marriage but the problem with most single people today is they seek marriage for exactly those reasons. But I learned something very valuable during my season of waiting that sadly most people don’t learn in a life time – there is no room for selfishness in a marriage.
With marriage, the vernacular changes. Words such as “I” and “me” are replaced with “we” and “us.” Mark 10:8 says “and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh.” As an analytical person, I have tried to make sense of this idea of “oneness” on more than one occasion. I have come to some interesting conclusions to say the least. In a weird mathematical way of explaining it, it’s like saying 1+1=1; not 2. (No, I am NOT advocating for Common Core) Or simply put, it’s liking having two different colors; one blue and another yellow. When mixed together, they’re no longer two different colors but one color – green! This idea of unity and oneness has reminded me of the seriousness of marriage and how important it is to lose all form of selfishness.
Once a person enters into covenant with another person, they can no longer live life to please themselves. The rest of their life is spent pleasing the other person. To be honest, I find the idea of not being able to shop at the Guitar Center at will and not having total control of my finances to be slightly terrifying! Even though I joke lightheartedly, this is the reality of marriage. There is give-and-take and decisions are made as a couple. Unfortunately for many couples, visions of a happily-ever-after often fade into an endless power struggle where nobody wins.
Marriage is a serious thing but what a lot of Christians don’t realize is marriage is such a strong covenant that scripture tries to convince us not to do it unless we’re sure that’s what we’re supposed to do. But most single Christians read Genesis 2:18 and are convinced that marriage is a part of God’s plan for their lives. It very well could be but God created single people before He instituted marriage. I think if more single people realized how critical the season of singleness is, it would quell some of the longing to tie the knot. Don’t get me wrong, I think marriage is an incredible gift from God but being single is also an incredible gift and opportunity for self-improvement and undistracted fellowship with God! (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) Unfortunately, singleness isn’t seen as such today. Singleness is often viewed as a problem and marriage as the solution or ultimate goal; however, marriage is just an alternative. Marriage is a good thing but the season of singleness has tremendous value! Pastor Michael Todd of Transformation Church once said, “Marriage doesn’t improve your singleness; it exposes it.”
Being single is NOT a curse and there certainly isn’t anything wrong with singleness. In fact, what does Elijah, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Jesus, and the apostle Paul all have in common? The Bible gives an account of many incredible things these individuals did but not a single one these people were ever married! Let that sink in for a moment! Singleness is a great thing! Let me remind us single Christians that Paul tells us that being single is a good choice.
“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” 1 Corinthians 7:8 NIV.
Whether I am living out the single life by choice or by call is unknown. But all I know is I am happy with the way my life has turned out thus far. My life certainly didn’t go according to plan and God will most likely continue to surprise me. I know God has clearly had a hand in guiding my life and I strongly believe He will continue to do so. I am embracing God’s plan because His timing is perfect! Like the leaves on a tree, seasons come and go. Singleness is just a season of waiting and preparation that will eventually pass to make way for another. Maybe one day I can provide a definite answer to the question, “When are you getting married, Josh?” But until then, I cherish my singleness and look forward to walking through the next door God opens.
Joshua Hawk 