“There’s nothing wrong with you. She’s still out there. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. It’ll happen when you least expect it.” I have heard these words more than a few times. These half-hearted beaten-to-death platitudes offer very little consolation to singles stuck in generational black hole called dating.
As a millennial dating within my generation, I quickly discovered how exhausting and frustrating dating is. Dating is like a game where the rules are made up and labels don’t matter. It has often left me wondering – Are we dating or just hanging out? Is there mutual interest or are we just friends?
When it comes to dating, millennials truly have the odds stacked up against them. The reason is because millennials live in a superficial world where physical appearance, status, and money takes precedence over character and the condition of the heart. Many millennials are conditioned with the mentality that someone better will come along so they have no reason to commit or put a label on a relationship. In most instances, all they have to do is swipe until they find someone “hot” enough. To make matters worse, millennials are rarely honest about their feelings or lack thereof because technology has made it really simple and convenient to fizzle it or ghost them. A simple text “Hey! Would you be interested in getting dinner and catching a movie this Friday?” Is usually followed up by a two or three day delayed response providing a brief apology and something along the lines of “I’ve been busy.” But you know it’s a lame excuse because they spend the majority of their time scrolling through social media.
This is the axiom of modern dating. It’s very similar to one of those rigged carnival games at the fair that’s unwinnable but you can’t resist playing it because you want the giant teddy bear. I have personally felt the effects of dating in more ways than I care to remember. It has left me weary, discouraged, heart broken, and angry at some points. It has even left me calloused where I’m no longer emotionally invested in a potential relationship out of protection for myself. The moment I see the word “busy” in a text, I immediately start withdrawing myself from that person.
Millennials have it tough but no one has it worse than a single Christian. The ebb and flow of dating is still the same. Single Christians can be just as flaky as other millennials but the dating pool becomes smaller; much smaller. As a single Christian searching for love, discouragement has become an all too familiar place. I have been told by a few that the reason I was still single is because I wasn’t trying hard enough. I have also heard that I was too picky and my standards were too high. I honestly never thought my standards were bad. All I wanted was a good church girl who loved God; but unfortunately I was discouraged by the lack of single girls within my own church so I did exactly what I never should have done – I lowered my standards.
I tried dating girls from other denominations but none of those relationships ever got off the ground because of the doctrinal differences. So I expanded my search even further. The girls I dated called themselves Christians but their actions were indistinguishable from the world. They drank alcohol, watched horrible TV shows, barely attended church, and didn’t believe in the purity of the relationship. But I justified dating these girls in my mind because they “believed in God” and posted scripture verses and devotional and coffee pics on social media. Unfortunately, compromise crept in like a cancer and over time I found myself becoming like the world. In my misery, I found my dating life worse off than ever before and worst of all, I drifted away from God.
In 2014, I was broken and defeated. I cried out to God. “Am I cursed, Lord? Where is she? Why am I having to wait so long? I’m tired of waiting!” Then the Lord spoke to me so vividly that what I heard broke me to the core of my very existence. The Lord said, “YOU’RE NOT THE ONE WAITING; SHE IS.” I instantly saw the silhouette of a beautiful woman, almost angelic-like, with a beautiful spirit who was praying for me! At that moment I realized how selfish I was. I felt ashamed because I had a problem double-taking women and wasted most of my time playing video games. I was a Christian man but the truth was my relationship with God was nonexistent. I saw this amazing woman in my vision and the pathetic man that I was and the reality of my selfishness and inadequacy became so real to me. She was ready for me and I was nowhere close to being ready for her. She was waiting for me to catch up! This word and vision from God stirred up something within me and started a change in my life that would ultimately result in me drawer closer to God.
In the years since that life changing experience, the difference between good and godly became so profound and real to me. Some of you may be thinking, “aren’t they the same thing?” The answer is absolutely NOT. A good person can attend church regularly but it doesn’t necessarily mean they will have a relationship with God. A good person can be active in their church but could still be tainted with worldliness. A good person can have a great job and a big heart and still not know God. But on the contrary, a godly person will be Spirit filled instead of being filled with wine. A godly person will clothe themselves in holiness and righteousness instead of covering their body with tattoos. A godly person will be consumed of God instead of being consumed by what’s happening on their phones. A godly person will have strong convictions instead of being easily compromised. A godly person will make prayer their foundation instead of not having time for it. Sadly, it took me a long time to figure this out but this is the real reason dating has been such a huge struggle for me as both a Christian and as a millennial. For a long time, I settled for good instead of waiting for godly.
I’m 30 years old at the time of writing this and I can say that being single has gotten easier. I have learned that nearness with God is more important and more desirable that the sweet companionship of a woman. Women may reject me for superficial reasons but I’m chosen by the creator and that alone provides a great deal of self-worth that no woman can ever provide. Today, I still wait for that godly woman. To tell you the truth, I sometimes doubt that godly Christians even exist in a generation that embraces godlessness and secularism. Perhaps God will surprise me one day with a precious gem. But until then, fellowship with my Lord is all that I need!
Joshua Hawk 